Trials- Part 1

 

I am going to share something I have never shared before. I haven't ever told anyone what happened in the Spring of 2018. Many people know parts of it, and my husband, who was there for most of it, doesn't even know the entire events that happened. Before I start I can tell you that Spring 2018 made me realize I was a much stronger person than I had ever given myself credit for! 

Too set the stage let me explain what was going on prior to April. I started chemo very quickly after my diagnosis. I was doing a regime name Folfox. It had a powerful drug- Oxaliplatin. The drug was working until I developed a reaction to it. I got very red all over, nauseous, difficulty breathing and overall felt awful. The nurses immediately hit me with Pepcid and other stuff to counter the drug. Needless to say we stopped using it. I was moved to a different regime named Folfiri with a new drug- Irinotecan. Then that one made my chest tight. So chemo was stopped and everything was looking good in the scans. The doctor told me he would see me in three months. So I went about my business and thought life was good! 

Then in April, I was having difficulty with using the bathroom. I was so constipated and nothing was coming out for days. I felt so sick my husband took me to Methodist ER. After a myriad of tests the doctor turned me over to a Gastrointestinal (GI) doctor that was on call. He came and talked to me about putting stents in my colon to improve the function. Since it wasn't surgical I said sure. So I was prepped for a procedure. We had to wait long hours for use of a room with an imaging machine so he could see what he was doing. The surgeon explained to me that  he was going to put the stents above and under the tumor to open things up. I finally got to imaging room and got situated on a table. Then I went to sleep.

While I was asleep the doctor inserted the stents. I woke up and definitely needed a shower because when he put in the stents things moved and it was messy. I basically got dressed and went home. Life went back to normal for a couple of weeks. Towards the end of April things got really bad and I ended up fighting for my life! 

Mental Outlook

 I get asked all the time how I can be so positive with cancer. It's a question that confounds me. I guess I wonder why would I be down in the dumps? What good would that accomplish. Now that isn't to say I don't have moments when I get mad, sad, upset, irrational, and a whole gamut of other emotions. In my post last week I alluded to the fact that I was committed to not act like a fool once diagnosed. My mom fought Ovarian Cancer for 18 years and she had bad days but overall, I only saw the strong woman my mom was. If I had acted like a fool she would have been disappointed in me and I couldn't live with that!

So a positive mental outlook is what I have and what I can control. I can't control most of this journey with cancer but I can control how I act. I managed to teach for 5 years, full time in a classroom. During that time I tried to model things were good. Sometimes I would let my teammates know I wasn't feeling well, but overall, I put my head down and moved forward. I know that work gave me solace and a sense of purpose. It allowed me to rise above the cancer until March 2023. At that time I was really sick and in bad shape so I left teaching. I ended up taking disability retirement and that was a low point emotionally for me. I felt cancer had taken something I truly love! But I'm getting over it and finding a new sense of purpose slowly. I'm actually going to try subbing some. 

Most of the time, when I'm with the nurses or doctors I tend to be silly and funny. I like to lighten the situation. On treatment days I will crack jokes with the nurses. My doctors and I have a super good report. They know that I am super honest with how I'm feeling but I still aim to be positive. My reason for having this outlook is again- I can control how I view things- because there is so much in God's hands! 

I also deal with present. I don't what if myself to death and worry about the future. Dr. Pappa, a very wise oncologist, taught me to deal with one day at a time. And boy has that made a huge difference in my life!

 I will tell you there is one person whom I can't handle how she views my cancer. It's my mother in law. She is the sweetest and most caring person, but to her everything is over the top huge. I just can't handle that. Some things are dips in the road and nothing more. So we only tell her the important stuff that we tell the entire family. I also don't want her to stress and fret about me. She is a big, loving worrywart! 

I also want to address the word- sick. I cannot tell you how many times people have told me I'm sick because I have cancer. I don't feel that way. To me the word sick is for someone with flu, pneumonia, strep throat, etc. I have cancer but that doesn't make me sick. It presents challenges and yes there are times I am sick from treatment, but I view it as more of a chronic condition like my asthma. I don't walk around believing I'm sick. This can be hard for people to understand. I basically feel I have a condition that presents some challenges and that I have to live with. Beside if the zombies come I'll be okay- bad meat!! 

If you have a family or friend diagnosed with cancer follow their lead. Don't expect them to be always down. Laugh and cry with that person! When things are tough they may not want to talk to you but you can let them know you are there for them. If you have been diagnosed give yourself time to adjust to the new normal. Keep doing things that you love to do. If you need help finding a positive outlook, feel free to contact me. I'll be glad to help you. Remember that cancer is only one part of you- not your entire being!! 

Diagnosis 2017

 So I realized that I jumped right in to treatment but never took the time to explain how I found out I had Colorectal Cancer. So today, I am taking a step back to the past! In this post I will delve into ancient history and share how things went down. I will use correct anatomical/medical terms and some information may be to much for readers. Again, I am sharing in the hopes of helping others with getting screened for cancer or those who may have been diagnosed and need some support- someone in their corner!

So in my 40's I developed issues with using the bathroom. When I would have bowel movements there would be blood with my stool. I just assumed this was because I was a bit constipated. Other times I would have very loose stools. I shared with my PCP and he felt I just had Irritable Bowel Syndrome or IBS. I kind of just blew it off and didn't push for more information- my bad! 

Then in October/November 2017 I was having difficulty eating. When ever I ate ANYTHING my stomach and intestines felt like they were going to war! I would have nausea and pain in my abdomen. It was horrible. One evening I couldn't take it any more so my husband took me to a stand alone ER. The doctor did blood work and a CT scan. I also had to complete this LONG questionnaire about my health. It took an hour to fill out. The doctor came to me and said that she was seeing that my intestines were full of stool. At that point she asked about my toileting habits. Needless to say I wanted to crawl under a table and die from embarrassment! After our discussion my embarrassment grew when she insisted on doing a rectal exam. I was thinking to myself, "I don't know you well enough." but I mustered the strength to let her complete one. I was MORTIFIED!!! After all of this the doctor referred me to a Gastroenterologist. 

The next day I called and scheduled an appointment with a GI doctor. I got in within a week. The doctor was a female and very nice. When she examined me, she asked me lots and lots of questions. She even mentioned she would like to do a rectal exam, but I declined. Modesty! When I told her about how I felt after eating she said that she needed to have me do a colonoscopy and endoscopy to look at my insides. Boy did that scare me! I remember my dad and all the comments he would make about these procedures and my anxiety went into overdrive. So we scheduled the procedures for December 27, 2017.

Christmas came and went and I was very careful about what I ate knowing I had to do the procedure prep on December 26. My husband got the prep kit from HEB and on the 27th I had a clear liquid diet for the day. At about 4pm I started the prescription prep kit. It took a while to drink down the vile liquid. I had one hour to drink. I managed to get it down but just barely. My stomach was not happy. So then I waited. We thought it was working about an hour later, but I vomited up everything! I was shaky, sweating, and so uncomfortable. My husband called the after hours hotline and spoke to a doctor. He explained what happened. I still had one bottle of the prep for the morning. The doctor decided we should use a different prep. He switched me to Miralax. So my husband went to HEB and got the biggest bottle he could find and I got to start over- LUCKY ME! We mixed HALF the bottle of Miralax with a drink and I started drinking. It was grainy and thick. Totally disgusting! I did manage to drink it and keep all of it down, but just barely. So that evening proceeded as needed.

The next morning I had to drink the other half of the Miralax. At this point my humor meter was very low. I managed to do it and everything happened that was supposed to. Then we were on our way to the clinic for my appointed time. Once I signed in and we waited, I eventually ended up in a little bay with a hospital bed. I got to complete more forms while running to the bathroom every few minutes. I got changed and ready for the procedure. The anesthesiologist came in and asked if I wanted anesthesia. Of course! I did not need to be awake for both procedures- NO THANK YOU! Finally the nurse came in and wheeled me to the procedure room. There were lots of machines and hoses. The doctor was in there and they had me position my body and then I went to sleep. I had a good nap!

I remember waking up, flat on my back with my husband by my side. Things were very fuzzy. The doctor came in and I asked her what she found. She showed me a picture of my colon with what looked like a GIGANTIC tumor in it. She said I had CANCER, as she suspected. I bawled and bawled, yelling "I don't want cancer." Her and my husband worked to calm me down. I'm pretty sure I still had lots of anesthesia in my system. I finally calmed down and stopped crying. To this date- that is the only time I ever felt sorry for myself or cried about cancer.

 I made a commitment to myself then and there that I would fight this and do it like my mom had. My mom spent 18 years with Ovarian Cancer before she passed away in 2019. She fought like crazy and never gave up until the end. She was always positive and lived life. I wanted to emulate her! I knew I couldn't be down trodden after watching her be so brave and courageous. 

The GI doctor came to see me before we checked out and I asked what was next. She said that she would contact my PCP (Primary Care Physician) and they would get me to a doctor quickly. Time was not on my side. The tumor in my colon had taken over the entire inside and there was a small opening for stool to pass through, but it was closing up. Within about 4 days I got a call that I had been referred to The Start Center. I got a call from The Start Center and had an appointment before I had to return to school teaching, after the holiday break. 

Within 2 weeks of all this I had my Medi-Port put in and my first chemo session. Needless to say this entire time period was a whirlwind and my head was spinning. What I learned was that I should have pushed my PCP for more when he said I had IBS. Don't know why I didn't but if I had my cancer story would probably be different- spilt milk- we'll never know. I also took my husband with me to all these first appointments to be an extra set of ears. Hearing you have cancer changes your life and is so overwhelming! With both of us at appointments, my husband could ask questions I may have forgotten I wanted to ask and fill in the blanks when I forgot some tidbit of information. 

I hope this post provided an understanding of how things went down. I apologize if anyone was grossed out. Colorectal Cancer is something we need to talk about more. It is rising in young adults 30-45. And sadly many of them are not finding out until it is end stage. If you have any symptoms, please learn from my embarrassment and speak up to your doctor. You DO NOT want to have a journey similar to mine! If you are 45 or older, please make sure to stay on top of the required screening. As I have told people- the worse part of a colonoscopy is the prep day. After that it's easy breezy and just might save your life!!